I Watch as The Roses Die

 

The sky separates with a message I don’t want to hear

As the world ends around me, I kneel down finally conceding defeat
Scribbles itched muscle deep into my arms, burned straight through the skin

Warning signs of the false messiah on the rise

And I can’t keep it together until the wait
I have to stay strong best I can, I have to learn to believe

There were only moments available
For me to look deep into my soul
A lonely adolescent with the weight of the world on his chest

Can you tell me it’s ok?
Or will you retreat as a tidal wave reigns down from up above the Universe
Holy Water seeping through the Earth healing our regime and preparing for the next

 

Old People of the Future!

I always visit my grandmother every month, sadly I can’t see her more because she lives so far away. She used to live in a very nice, well kept little community, but wow was it expensive. We basically had no chance of long term residence for my grandmother there. So we had to sacrifice and she is in a home which she is starting to really enjoy.

One thing is that my grandmother, is the source of my inspiration. I almost cry when i think about her, because of all the amazing things she did. I was a pampered, well taken care of boy and it was mostly due to my mother and my grandmother. She had lots of money making it possible, and she was always willing to go the extra mile for someone in the family. Now that my grandma’s isn’t doing so well, there is no family.

However i chose not to drown in the sorrow of a past, even though i often find that the vivid memories are more difficult to shake then others. As a kid i went through a lot, mostly rooted in anxiety and depression. Even to this day i still feel the same, but it wasn’t like that as a very young kid.

My grandma and I would go and make fun of people at the grocery store, she’d call people fat, get into fistfights over cigarettes, use the “n” word more then Chief Keef and she’d throw you out the house in a second. We were extremely close but i got thrown out twice for bad jokes. My favorite memory is when we fist watched Goodfellas, the first scene was so radical i couldn’t believe it!

The worst memory, was saying goodbye to my grandmother before the dementia ate away at her brain. Even without most of the contents of her brain functioning correctly, my grandma is still the same woman. She’d beat the hell out of you, she’d diss you and call you names you never heard on.

This made me think, what will old people be like in the future? Will they be decked out on the couch in high waist skinny jeans and gauges, playing some Nintendo game. Will an 88 year old woman’s biggest concern be…lose Twitter? It’s a morbid thought, how this world works. But think about the new generations, things are changing so quickly we can’t even keep up. The assembly lines for phones is slower then the rapid growth of humanity. I’m just curious, will they have Tablets at the retirement home libraby?

Warmonger in Therapy #1

Journal Entry Number 01

 

            I wanted to figure out how to make my audiences like me, I have confidence in my writing but not in myself. Sometimes I feel like the chosen one, and sometimes I wish I wasn’t ever born. Not bipolar however, they ruled that out for me. There are a lot of other problems that I have, severe anxiety, major depressive and biggest of all I have a hard time loving myself. So I want to introduce myself as Anthony Day Grandin, author and struggling human being.        

            Now I am technically a author, one who is in intense limbo. Sometimes I feel like they need to tip me into a cold tub next to Leonardo Dicaprio and I can get out of this dream within a dream. I wrote three books and am shopping two of them around. The alternative decision of going Indie is making a lot of sense unless someone discovers my writing. I just am meticulously preparing for all of this. A lot of time I beat myself for preparing for fame, sadly I don’t think I’ll be impacting the whole world with my books, but if I can intrigue someone for about three hundred pages I’ll be happy. If I can even publish a book I’d feel like I’d need to go to church because that means there is a god.

            As a young child I found myself in very scary situations, very traumatic ones that I never thought I’d escape from. At age 11 I believed that I would commit suicide by joking down the stairs. Luckily I never tried until later in my life. I was searching for acceptance, a meaning for life or friends. Nothing of that sort, I just wanted a way to get rid of all of the pain that I had.

            I miss a lot of things, we all do. I think sometimes that it’s unfair the way life treated me, and it wasn’t until a little while that I fully realized that life is a fucking sick and dangerous thing, full of bad people, disturbing events and a whole lot of violence. So then I thought, maybe I had the perspective to write about some of these things. Now when I was younger I wrote completely glorifying violence, my first book was about a Black Panther living in a shack who brutalizes his wife’s killers. I was only thirteen and I got the idea from watching to many Bruce Lee Movies and from that damned DVD set full of obscure Blaxploitation films, but the book had a beginning, a middle and an end. I stopped writing through the serious traumatic events, but it wasn’t until I was in my recovery that I started writing.

            I sometimes felt like one of those soldiers who have shellshock next to stop and shop, the journey I had took a massive toll on my mental ability. It was craziness, and sometimes I wonder if I came out with a pure heart. I’m a broken man, and I’ll never be the same.

            So when I tell you I am a struggling being, I want to warn you in advance. But a large portion of people say I write well, and that always makes my day. I also realized not to long ago that I will no longer will simply writing for fun and to get emotions out, this is going to be my job. I have three books coming out and I hope to gain some new fans by putting some writing out there. I was born to be a writer and I want to make an impact. If I can entertain, bring some light to the darkness, create some excellent stories and characters, I’d be very happy. I just want to write!
(More Info on Books next Tuesday!)

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