Journal Entry Number 01
I wanted to figure out how to make my audiences like me, I have confidence in my writing but not in myself. Sometimes I feel like the chosen one, and sometimes I wish I wasn’t ever born. Not bipolar however, they ruled that out for me. There are a lot of other problems that I have, severe anxiety, major depressive and biggest of all I have a hard time loving myself. So I want to introduce myself as Anthony Day Grandin, author and struggling human being.
Now I am technically a author, one who is in intense limbo. Sometimes I feel like they need to tip me into a cold tub next to Leonardo Dicaprio and I can get out of this dream within a dream. I wrote three books and am shopping two of them around. The alternative decision of going Indie is making a lot of sense unless someone discovers my writing. I just am meticulously preparing for all of this. A lot of time I beat myself for preparing for fame, sadly I don’t think I’ll be impacting the whole world with my books, but if I can intrigue someone for about three hundred pages I’ll be happy. If I can even publish a book I’d feel like I’d need to go to church because that means there is a god.
As a young child I found myself in very scary situations, very traumatic ones that I never thought I’d escape from. At age 11 I believed that I would commit suicide by joking down the stairs. Luckily I never tried until later in my life. I was searching for acceptance, a meaning for life or friends. Nothing of that sort, I just wanted a way to get rid of all of the pain that I had.
I miss a lot of things, we all do. I think sometimes that it’s unfair the way life treated me, and it wasn’t until a little while that I fully realized that life is a fucking sick and dangerous thing, full of bad people, disturbing events and a whole lot of violence. So then I thought, maybe I had the perspective to write about some of these things. Now when I was younger I wrote completely glorifying violence, my first book was about a Black Panther living in a shack who brutalizes his wife’s killers. I was only thirteen and I got the idea from watching to many Bruce Lee Movies and from that damned DVD set full of obscure Blaxploitation films, but the book had a beginning, a middle and an end. I stopped writing through the serious traumatic events, but it wasn’t until I was in my recovery that I started writing.
I sometimes felt like one of those soldiers who have shellshock next to stop and shop, the journey I had took a massive toll on my mental ability. It was craziness, and sometimes I wonder if I came out with a pure heart. I’m a broken man, and I’ll never be the same.
So when I tell you I am a struggling being, I want to warn you in advance. But a large portion of people say I write well, and that always makes my day. I also realized not to long ago that I will no longer will simply writing for fun and to get emotions out, this is going to be my job. I have three books coming out and I hope to gain some new fans by putting some writing out there. I was born to be a writer and I want to make an impact. If I can entertain, bring some light to the darkness, create some excellent stories and characters, I’d be very happy. I just want to write!
(More Info on Books next Tuesday!)